Asian parents can be strict, overbearing, critical, or unloving due to the need to uphold cultural honor, despite the impact on their children.

This stereotypical style of strict parenting became notoriously or pejoratively known as “tiger parenting” from Amy Chua’s best-selling book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. In it, she describes how her parenting style, learned from her childhood experiences with her own parents, fostered what she considered a “better” way to raise children compared to Western or American standards.

It was controversial because much of what she advocated to help her children “succeed” could be considered beyond strict, bordering on emotional and verbal abuse. For example, she recounts calling one of her daughters “garbage” with her native Chinese dialect.

In many ways, the book perpetuates and validates this style of traditional Asian parenting, in which a child’s self-esteem and emotions do not warrant attention. Asian clients and Asian message boards abound with stories of this style of parenting.

As a counterpoint to those suffering from tiger parents, here are 10 steps to help keep the pain away.**

1. Buy earplugs: You might not know, understand, or acknowledge that the insults, put-downs, and name-calling can be considered abusive but you do know you don’t like it. It’s time to tune them out. If the earplugs seem disrespectful, you can consider the next suggestion.
2. Agree with them: Obviously this is just a means of appeasing them by appearing to agree with them by saying yes or nodding your head. It’ll help create some emotional distance from them so long as you know you’re doing this on your own accord.
3. Move out: If you’re of age, move out and learn how to be independent from an early age. You might also google “emancipated minor” in your state (i.e. legally considered an adult and no longer under the auspices or authority of your parents).
4. Get a job: Asian parents love to control, manipulate, or guilt-trip you with their money. (e.g. “I paid for your phone, car, education, etc.). Try to nip this in the bud as early as possible. Learn to be financially self-sufficient. Work at McDonald’s. 
5. You’re American: Tell them you live in America and are an American. (Sorry, not sure how well this works outside the U.S. and Canada)! Tell them you don’t consider yourself Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, etc. Bear in mind that renouncing your heritage may invoke the fury of not only your parents but all your dead ancestors as well.
6. Be a painter, poet, or artist: Despite the barrage of criticism you’ll get, sharing this occupational epiphany with them early on will pay huge dividends in the long run. Due to their obsessiveness and fixation over your grades, education, and future job prospects, telling them up-front you want out of the corporate rat-race will likely generate generations of ancestral backlash. But if you can withstand the backlash and eventually decide to go into a more “financially-stable” field, they will be frothing at the mouth with delight. If you do go the creative route, well at least you’ve paved the way for your brothers and sisters to endure fewer emotional beat-downs.  
7. Say no to Life360 and other location-based apps: This will be hard if you’re a minor but if you’re of age, stop the codependency and tell your parents you don’t need them knowing your whereabouts. It’s creepy enough when spouses use it on each other.
8. Stay off Social Media: On a similar note, you should consider staying off social media or remember they will be trolling you. At the very least, be discrete in your posts.
9. Give them a hug: This will appear counter-intuitive but part of the tactics to declaw your tiger parents is keeping them confused. What’s more confusing than giving them a hug after they’ve called you fat, lazy, stupid, or worthless?!
10. “I love you”: This is in line with the earlier thought process of keeping them off-guard and perplexed.  Bonus points if you can do this in their native tongue.

** This post is strictly satirical in nature. Nothing in this post should be misconstrued as therapeutic advice in any way, shape, or from in your interactions with Asian parents or parental figures.

I recently saw a new episode on Netflix’s Sci-Fi TV anthology Black Mirror, which chronicles the impact technology has on society. In one episode, users of a computer game are transported into the game where they become the players. Without spoiling the episode, let’s just say the users engage physically in the video game but the sensations are perceived to be so real that reality no longer can match the intensity of the sexual fantasies played out within the game.

While technology will never be able to transport our minds to an altered state of consciousness like what I saw in the show, what is disturbing is how sexual fantasy is already here in the form of virtual reality and even regular pornography.

Pornography in and of itself is fantasy. It’s not reality because we project what we want onto the men or women portrayed in the images or videos for our sexual gratification. With advancements in technology, the intensity will only escalate to the point of trying to mimic reality.

In the show, the impact can be seen when those engaged in the video game no longer want to have sex with their spouses. Not only that, past forms of physical expression of affection are impacted such as tender hugs, kisses, or caresses. Their spouses also notice their partners seem to be disconnected and mentally adrift. While this is only a show, I can attest that this already occurs for people who use pornography compulsively. Spouses feel that there’s an emotional gulf between them and their partners.  

The show itself does an excellent job of showcasing the impact of sexual fantasies on the brain and our relationships. Will we heed the caution portrayed in Black Mirror or continue down the rabbit hole oblivious to the addictive nature of our sexual predilections?

Which pronoun do you identify with?  He, she, or they?  Questions like these now permeate schools, colleges and the workplace as a means to create a sense of safety, affirmation, and equality for those who identify as transgender or gender non-conforming.

It coincides as more and more youth in recent years are identifying as transgender or non-conforming (i.e. not identifying with the gender they were born with).  A study by UCLA in 2017 estimates 150,000 youth ages 13 to 17 identify as transgender in the United States.

While the number of transgender youth and adults is growing, few clinicians or health care professionals know how to ethically treat transgender patients, especially minors.  Many believe validating their desires is supportive enough with limited desire to explore the psychosocial factors that can contribute to transgender identification or defined as gender dysphoria from the American Psychological Association.  The medical community also faces ethical challenges by grappling with issues of hormone blockers and sexual reassignment surgery for youth.

What is accepted though are alarming psychological risks faced by the transgender community.

A study by Kaiser Permanente revealed the risk of developing a mental health condition was three to 13 times higher for transgender and gender non-conforming youth than youth whose gender identity corresponded with their assigned gender at birth, also referred to as cisgender.

According to the National Institute of Health, 41% of them reported attempting suicide as compared to 1.6% of the general population. Those who expressed a transgender identity or gender non-conformity at schools reported harassment (78%), physical assault (35%), and sexual violence (12%). About one-sixth left school or higher education due to harassment. 

With the escalated prevalence of mental health issues for transgender populations, the literature suggests clinicians and transgender seeking therapy would benefit alike in being comfortable to explore the multi-factorial influences of trauma on one’s life: childhood adversity, neglect, abuse (physical, sexual, verbal), and ruptured or unhealthy attachments with their primary caregivers. 

The National Institute of Health cites a 2017 study conducted in Italy where patients meeting the criteria for male-to-female gender dysphoria (GD) were interviewed for childhood maltreatment with regards to emotional abuse, neglect, physical abuse, and sexual abuse. A high proportion of reported maltreatment where the subjects also reported higher body dissatisfaction.

The National Institute of Health suggests the onset of GD can occur as early as 2 years old with others developing it during adolescence or later adulthood.  What researchers found though is many children who experience GD do not continue to experience it after puberty with studies finding the percentage of persistence into adolescence and adulthood to vary from 2 to 20%.

Part of the reasoning is the pre-frontal cortex region of the brain doesn’t reach full maturation until one reaches their mid to late 20’s.  This is the part of the brain that regulates emotions, impulse-control, and decision-making.  Puberty is an important part of the maturation process as sex hormones become more fully developed which parallels brain development and thus those are against hormone therapy believe this to be true.  Others who are against hormone therapy or sex reassignment surgery point to a 30 year old longitudinal study in Sweden where the rate of suicide increased for those who underwent surgery compared to control groups.

Those who are in favor of hormone suppressants known colloquially as puberty blockers to treat children who are transgender or gender non-conforming believe the medications which suppress the body’s production of estrogen or testosterone, allows the body to hit pause on the changes that would occur during puberty.

“That’s really what these pubertal blockers do,” Dr. Rob Garofalo told PBS’S FRONTLINE Documentary News Show.Garofalo is the director of the Lurie Children’s Hospital’s Gender and Sex Development Program. “They allow these families the opportunity to hit a pause button, to prevent natal puberty … until we know that that’s either the right or the wrong direction for their particular child.”

Doctors who use puberty blockers say they allow children who experience gender dysphoria — the feeling that they’re in the wrong body — the time and space to explore and settle on their gender identity.

But what makes this option controversial according to a 2015 PBS story, is that no test that can tell whether a child experiencing distress about their gender will grow up to be transgender. The handful of studies that do exist suggest that gender dysphoria persists in a minority of children, but they involved very few children and were done mostly abroad.

The ethical issues that need to be addressed when working with transgender individuals considering hormone or sex reassignment surgery include the following: autonomy, beneficence, nonmaleficence, and informed consent. The individual must have autonomy of thought and intention when making decisions about medical treatment.  Participants, especially minors, must understand their desires, hopes, and expectations might not correlate with reality. Beneficence implies doing only good, only what is in the patient’s best interest.  When it comes to hormone therapy for minors, what is the the patient’s best interest and how do we assess it?  Should it come when a minor reaches legal voting age in the United States (i.e. 18 years old), should it come earlier any proxy through one’s parents, or should it be held much later when there’s more cognitive, social, and sexual development?  Some physicians may consider surgical alteration of healthy organs, would not be in line with this principle. Nonmaleficence must ensure that the treatment does not harm the individual in an emotional, social, or physical sense.  And informed consent means the patient is aware of the risks and benefits of medications/procedures.  With hormone, it’s complicated on whether physicians, psychiatrists, and other medical and therapeutic professionals should also have a say in authorizing consent.

All this to say is there’s a need for clinicians to ensure they are thoroughly educated and can help create safe spaces where issues that can factor into transgender identity can be explored.  The National Institute of Health cites a study where researchers found a high frequency of traumatic experiences within the first 10 years of life. Colizzi et al. (2013) found a high percentage of insecure attachment (70%) in their sample of 50 adult transsexuals. Finally, in a recent study, Lingiardi et al. (2017) found a high percentage of unresolved/disorganized states of mind (50%) and a considerably high percentage of secure patterns (39%). Moreover, 29 (66%) of the 44 individuals had traumatic childhood experiences relating to the loss of an attachment figure or physical or sexual abuse.

When it comes to GD patients in the study, they showed higher prevalence of anger towards fathers and idealization towards mothers relative to control groups.  Fathers of GD participants were less accepting, available and supportive compared to fathers of controls.  In more than half of trans participants (56%), there was a co-occurrence of multi-type maltreatments during childhood.  Relative to controls, GD participants had experience of significantly more traumatic forms, including both active trauma and severe neglect. 

Trans women, compared to control males: (1) were more neglected by both parents; (2) had more involving, rejecting and physically and psychologically abusive fathers; and (3) suffered more frequently from an early loss of the father. On the other hand, trans men, compared to female controls: (1) were more often victims of intensive rejection, neglect and early separation from fathers; (2) had more psychologically abusive mothers; and (3) prematurely experienced more losses of close relatives and friends.

Based on these statistics, it’s imperative to consider attachment and trauma and how they could play a role in bringing to light conflicts and defenses of trauma and early relationships with parental figures.  As healing professionals, we can help GD patients to integrate trauma and relational ruptures with the goal to empower them to reflect on its impact on their lives and, eventually, its relevance on treatment decisions.  That is ultimately what I believe is the therapeutic equivalent of the Hippocratic Oath in medicine which is to do no harm.

Related Stories:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5799708/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3043071/

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321483.php#3

All over the world, in the 21st century – people lead an incredible and unprecedented variety of different lifestyles. This contemporary era of technology and a globalized economy has allowed us a hitherto unimaginable level of diversity and choice when it comes to our personal lives. And yet, as individually different as we are; there are still some common traits that bind us all together. 

For instance – most people like to travel. If you’re someone who does, you’ll find yourself agreeing with most of what I’ll go over here. And if you’re not a budding traveler already – I’m here to change your mind! 

It’s Life-Changing

Once you start traveling more, you’ll realize something very important about traveling. Changing our scenery is more than just a passing experience; it’s something that can alter your life in a lot of different ways. Most obviously – using up your vacation days for traveling to interesting destinations expands your worldview. As you make yourself more open to new experiences, your day-to-day comfort zone will become wider.

In due time, you’ll even find yourself more easily accustomed to big changes in your life; when you travel all the time, these seem far less sudden and forceful than they are. For people who travel, a stress-free relocation across the country is something entirely possible; while such a move would make others cower at such a huge change. 

And stepping outside your established comfort zone is quite important; that’s a tool that’s vital to our growth as individuals. Opening yourself up helps break down any social and psychological barriers that hold you back from personal progress. Once you manage to conquer your fears or anxiety triggers; you will become a better version of yourself. 

Your Mood Will Change

Take a moment to think back on the times when you were a kid; remember how your mood changed for the better whenever you experienced something new and exciting? Unfortunately, when we enter adulthood; such interesting situations become far more scarce. But that’s where traveling comes in! One of the ways in which travel influences our mindset is the fact that we simply feel better when we visit a new place. Be honest with yourself; once you step off that plane, you feel more lighthearted and excited than you have in months before. 

All of the worries that were a part of your daily life get left behind; you fully get to enjoy the novelty of this new environment, as you start looking for ways to navigate the area. In one fell swoop, all of the stress triggers from your daily life get completely swept away. There’s a reason why people go on vacations instead of just staying home and not working; you need to reset yourself from time to time. 

Recharging Your Energy

Did you know that the average American clocks in around 40-60 hours of work each week; while often skipping vacations in order to save money? As anyone working hard will tell you – sometimes, the cash you save from not traveling anywhere just isn’t worth it. Occasional traveling is basically necessary; it allows you to give your mental health a brief respite from every-day worries. 

Regardless of how hard you want to work; at some point, it simply stops being worth it. After a while, your brain demands a break from constant work. Perhaps even more crucially, your body needs a shakeup after sitting at a desk, day in and day out. Instead, you may want to travel to a distant place, and let your body soak up some vitamin D on a beach. Connect with your inner self, and reset your emotions – allow yourself to recharge. 

New Perspective On Life

Even if you reap no other benefit from traveling – you will enjoy the new perspective on life that it grants you. For most people, that’s the best way travel influences our mindset. Going to a completely new place, with completely different people that don’t surround you on a daily basis; this gives you a new viewpoint on your own life, the way you spend your free time, and really a fresh look at who you are. 

This process allows you to experience new cultures, whose intricacies you probably haven’t been aware of. Such new people will accompany you on a variety of new adventures, that will contain both good and bad experiences. But most importantly – these events will be new. Something that you haven’t seen before. And constant exposure to new surroundings will shape you into becoming a more rounded individual, capable of making more objective everyday judgments. 

You Won’t Regret It

If you’re not someone who’s used to traveling a lot, and you’re thinking of making that leap into a new aspect of your lifestyle; you should know one thing. No matter what happens, or what kind of practical complications you encounter; once you come back, you won’t regret it. While you may think that you have a fulfilled life at home, there’s no way of knowing that until you actually leave it and go somewhere else. 

With that in mind, open yourself up to the idea of traveling more regularly. Obviously, no-one expects you to go from a completely sedentary lifestyle to trekking through the Amazon jungles. But on the other hand, you should plan out a simple road trip for the next year, and see how you like it. Chances are that you won’t regret putting yourself out there, in a very literal meaning of the phrase! When people say that it’s about the journey more than the destination, that’s more than a worn-out adage; in reality, it’s pretty much an absolute truth. 

One of the most devastating emotional, physical, and spiritualwounds in a coupleship is when cheating occurs.  Once this is discovered, the betrayed partner wants to know the truth while the offending partner may acknowledge the infidelity but is fearful of sharing more lest the relationship end in a divorce, separation, or break-up.

As a psychotherapist who specializes in sexual and cultural issues, here are 5 areas that are recommended for the relationship to get the healing it deserves in times of infidelity.

1)  Transparency (disclosure)

Typically what happens is the betrayed partner “discovers” the infidelity through text messages, emails, pictures, etc.   A confrontation occurs where the offending partner either denies or eventually acknowledges the infidelity.  Yet the details and the depth of the betrayal is often kept hidden and minimized.

In a formal therapeutic disclosure (i.e. conducted in front of a therapist), the offending spouse reads a written account of what occurred which includes dates, places, people (names not given unless it’s someone known to the betrayed partner).  This process can take a couple of months after the discovery so the offending spouse has time to write down what occurred and the process is guided by a therapist so what’s needed to be revealed is shared.  It’s not an apology letter rather it’s a letter of facts (what, when, where, and who in some cases).

The rationale for this type of disclosure is the offending partner would rather work on “healing” and “moving forward” without giving consideration to the crazy-making produced by the infidelity.  In giving a thorough account of his/her actions, this helps restore a sense of sanity to the betrayed spouse.  In addition, sometimes there may be more indiscretions that need to be shared that can include other sexual partners, subscriptions to dating/sexsites, money spent, and/or other pertinent details related to the cheating.

2)  Personal introspection

Understanding of the cause for the infidelity is paramount if one is to prevent it from happening again.  This usually means individual or group therapy where the offending spouse can feel safe to share what contributed to the betrayal (social, financial, relational stressors) and how one justified the behaviors (e.g. “my partner isn’t interested in sex”).  This allows therapists to then probe and help clients figure out new and healthier ways to work through difficulties that inevitably will come up again in one’s life but with a much different reaction than a need to cheat on one’s spouse.

3) Recognizing triggers, stressors, high risk environments to mitigate future issues.  This is related to introspection as it allows the offending spouse to recognize emotional triggers, stressors, and environments where one may need to be extremely cautious and wary if put in similar situations (e.g. being away in another city while on a business trip).article continues after advertisement

4) Screening for past/current behaviors to see if this is a larger issue of compulsivity and/or addiction. Is this an isolated incident or has this occurred in past relationships or have there been multiple partners in the current relationship.  If so, there could be a pattern where compulsivity has been recognized and must be treated with additional care under the lens of possible addiction to sexual behaviors.

5) The impacted partner should be allowed to grieve.  This is an understanding where the offending partner must recognize how their actions have shredded the relational trust and how much effort and time it takes to regain it.  

I’ve seen far too many men/women who cheated on their partners and think since there hasn’t been any more cheating and they’re being loyal that the impacted partner doesn’t have reason to question or distrust them anymore.  Oftentimes, the offending spouse has a time period in his/her head of what they feel is enough time to continue to feel angry, betrayed, and distrustful.  I would caution putting any time period in your head other than to think of years rather than months when it comes to full restoration of trust, encouragement, and optimism in the relationship.  

While it’s a very challenging road towards healing, those that do put in the time and effort have the potential to discover a new means of living that gives them even deeper appreciation, understanding, empathy, and vitality to their once broken relationship.