5 Ways to Recover from Infidelity
One of the most devastating emotional, physical, and spiritualwounds in a coupleship is when cheating occurs. Once this is discovered, the betrayed partner wants to know the truth while the offending partner may acknowledge the infidelity but is fearful of sharing more lest the relationship end in a divorce, separation, or break-up.
As a psychotherapist who specializes in sexual and cultural issues, here are 5 areas that are recommended for the relationship to get the healing it deserves in times of infidelity.
Instant Porn via Instagram: What Parents Need to Know
UnSplash Katka Pavlickova
Instagram has long been viewed as a cute, harmless social media site where you can post and share pictures with the world. Unfortunately, what many parents do not realize is Instagram is quickly turning into a gateway to pornography as its usage rises with teens and young adults.
Statistics show Instagram is the second most popular social media site with Snapchat being #1 among Millennials as users under 35 years old make up more than 70% of Instagram’s active accounts around the word. Continue Reading
I could be Robert Kraft: Soliciting Sex from Sex-Trafficked Women
When one of my clients first heard the news about New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly paying for sex from an Asian massage parlor, it reminded him of his not-too distant past where he felt addicted to going to massage parlors for illicit sexual activity.
On Tuesday this week, Kraft, requested to have a jury trial after being recently charged with 2 prostitution-related charges after Jupiter Police in Florida claim he paid for sex acts at an Asian massage parlor. Continue Reading
Same-Sex Attraction & Sex Addiction among Christians: The Triple Threat of Shame
Photo by Tyler Callahan on Unsplash
It’s shameful enough acknowledging your sex addiction. Now combine that with your attraction to people of the same-sex within a Christian context and you have potentially shame so wide and deep that you fear being rejected on multiple fronts.
I’m privileged to work with those in this category who have found the courage to seek help and open up to their deepest fears and concerns with me as a fellow believer.
Sex Addiction Recovery: Spousal Support
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In a lot of relationships dealing with addictions of any kind, the hardest part is sharing the journey with your partner. When it comes to sex addiction, this becomes exponentially harder due to feelings of sexual and emotional betrayal, a partner’s potential feelings of inadequacy (compared to other women real or imagined via fantasy/pornography).
In your recovery circles, you may be real, authentic, and vulnerable in sharing of your slips and acting out episodes to men or women in your 12 step groups, group therapy or other support groups where you feel people truly understand the nature of this disease without fear of judgment or condemnation. However due to these same fears stemming in your marriage or intimate relationship, your romantic partner may be the last to know.
As I mentioned earlier, part of this is due to the intense fear of shame, rejection, judgment or condemnation one may have received in the past from your partner. You probably were ridiculed, called names, or even were physically hit because of your out-of-control sexual behaviors. In a few cases, men and women may not share due to projecting these fears onto their partners thus limiting their ability to share.
So what occurs is the recovery process could feel very disjointed within a coupleship (i.e. if the couples are working to stay together and work through the addiction_. One side invests and exerts a lot of energy attending recovery meetings, checking in with sponsors/group members, reading, journaling, and other recovery work that can lead to painful yet meaningful discoveries within themselves and then shared accordingly with like-minded peers. However, that level of emotional depth and vulnerability may not transcend beyond recovery circles and thus the romantic partner gets short shrift in terms of the significant recovery details other than the proverbial and awkward check-in process as detailed below.
Impacted Partner: “So how’s it (your addiction recovery) going (this week, month, etc.)?”
Sex Addict: “Good” or “It’s been a hard (week, month, etc.)”.
I don’t mean to paint a negative picture on the recovery process for couples but I do feel there is a greater need for impacted partners to know there should be a much richer and fulfilling dialogue leading to a much more connected coupleship. If you feel the two of you are living separate lives in this area, then please consider seeking guidance in growing in this area. The worst case scenario is when no information is shared (after the initial discover or acknowledgement of the addiction)_ and the impacted partner lives by the mantra, “Don’t ask, don’t tell”.
If you’re in addiction recovery please consider having your partner join you in the process (if he/she wants to). You’ll be surprised that many impacted partners want to be on this journey with you. This doesn’t mean they’re to be an accountability partner but they do and should have access to your recovery process (feelings, emotions, slips, relapses) as a means to support you and to not feel left in the dark.
Too many people go through addiction recovery separate from their partners not realizing how much this causes couples to actually grow more distant and less emotionally intimate than having the courage to share their journey with their partners. So in short, addiction recovery is not an individual journey (as many of you know by now with your support people) but also a journey where your intimate partner should be on as well.
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