Asian Shame – Sam Louie MFT

I Wish I was White: The Desire to Fit In

Sam — Sat, 20 Feb 2016 18:38:25 +0000

Whenever I address issues of diversity in my public speaking or trainings, I will educate audiences about the minority identity development model that walks participants through the process of how an ethnic minority member processes his/her identity from this lens.

One of the first phases ethnic minorities enter is one of conformity where there is a strong desire to assimilate into the dominant culture. While at first this may seem like a goal to aspire towards, minorities in this first phase are so skewed towards trying to fit in, they often develop negative attitudes towards themselves, disparage others of their race and their culture.

A healthy individual grows through this phase known in psychological circles as the “pre-encounter stage” (i.e. meaning individuals have yet to “encounter” or get in touch with their minority selves) and enters into the encounter stage where they learn to appreciate their ethnic heritage. Some can get so absorbed into their culture to the point of rejecting mainstream culture altogether known as the “immersion” phase.

The goal in psychological circles is to help minorities eventually come to a sense of balance known as the “internationalization” stage where ethnic minorities can develop a sense of security in who they are in their own skin yet are also able to integrate their experiences into larger mainstream society.

In my work as a psychotherapist specializing in multicultural issues and addictions, I often see adult clients stuck in the first phase of “pre-encounter”. They hate who they are in large part because of their racial identity. They would like nothing more than to separate themselves from their Black, Asian, or other ethnic identity so they can blend into society. Comments such as, “I wish I was white” are not uncommon.

This is one the perennial issues that is rarely discussed when it comes to race relations. Mainstream America is quick to jump into hotbed topics without taking a step back to see the larger context. Since minorities face tremendous pressure to adapt, conform, and fit into America, you don’t hear the voices of those who are subjugated to not only external racism but their own internal self-critic. It’s a tragedy to see ethnic minorities stuck in this phase where they hate who they are due to their myriad experiences of discrimination, teasing, or other incidents of feeling like they’re unwanted or don’t belong, simply by the color of their skin. So before race relations can improve and move forward, we need to take a step back and acknowledge there is a profound difference facing ethnic minorities living in a dominant culture other than their own.

Real Men Cry: Crying is Caring

Sam — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 19:53:50 +0000

When my male clients initially come in to see me they often share painful aspects of their childhood yet look like disembodied souls as there’s so much incongruity between their stories and their affect.

When I confront them on this, they shrug their shoulders saying that’s just how they were raised. It’s heart-wrenching to see so many men tell me they feel weak, shameful, and inadequate for having feelings of sadness, pain, and disappointment. All their lives they were told, “Real men don’t cry,” yet studies show how crying is a way for the body to release toxins from the body.

From a physiological perspective, when humans get stressed there is an increase in adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH). Over time as this builds it leads to more stress that demands to be released.

Dr. Jodi DeLuca, a neuropsychologist at Tampa General Hospital in Florida put simply says, ”When you cry, it’s a signal you need to address something.” It either comes out in its healthy form as tears or if suppressed can cause a number of physical symptoms to arise known clinically as Somatoform disorders (i.e. psychological/relational issues that manifest themselves as physical symptoms). Somatoform disorders are especially prevalent in ethnic cultures like traditional Asian families where stoicism is honored.

The symptoms can involve several different organs yet remain perplexing to clients as there’s no physical causation.

The patient may report a combination of:

Acute pain
Muscle aches/soreness
headaches
Neurological problems
Gastrointestinal complaints
Sexual symptoms/issues

In addition, the suppressing of emotions can also lead to a host of addictions and mental health issues such as:

Eating disorders
Alcoholism
Drug abuse
Marijuana dependency
Depression
Anxiety

It’s not until clients I see develop enough trust to know they will not be judged or shamed that they then become more authentic with their feelings. Once these feelings are accessed and processed do they garner more insight which allows them to make sense of their past behaviors and physical issues that for years remained a mystery.

Slanted Eyes: The Asian-American Experience

Sam — Thu, 14 Jan 2016 17:31:19 +0000

“Chink!”, “Jap!”, “Where are you from?”, “Do you eat dog?”, “Why don’t you go back to where you came from?!”, “Do you know Kung-Fu?”. From the racist to the innocuous, issues of culture, ethnicity, and discrimination are prevalent themes for Asian minorities in the United States.

The Asian desire to be “American” and fit into mainstream society in the U.S. can be challenging as reminders that they are “perpetual foreigners” can be seen in jokes, teasing, and at times outright racism.

What stereotypes persist for Asian-Americans? How is life in America different for Asian refugees from war-torn countries compared to Asian immigrants who arrive on their own accord?

The term “Asian” itself represents up to more than 40 different ethnic groups who now call America home. The varying histories, traditions, and cultures among the different Asian ethnic groups mean certain general Asian stereotypes can be misleading and unhelpful.

“Slanted Eyes: The Asian-American Poetic Experience” is a collection of spoken word and haiku poems that can be useful in understanding not only Asian-American experiences but also issues related to mental health, counseling, addiction recovery, and Christianity.

Even the title of this book may be uncomfortable for some because it evokes centuries-old caricatures and demeaning and racist jokes at the expense of the shape of an Asian person’s eyes. But that is exactly why I named it, “Slanted Eyes” because I wanted to confront and address the taunts and teasing that is so prevalent among Asian-Americans both past and present.

The inspiration for this poetry collection comes not only from my own experiences of feeling ostracized, different, and inadequate but also from the clinical experiences of my many Asian-American clients who experienced similar incidents of discrimination.

As a psychotherapist in private practice specializing in Asian-American issues and addictions, clients confide in the difficulties of assimilation, identity, and acceptance in an American culture that finds it difficult to see Asians as part of the social and national fabric.

The concept of being a “perpetual foreigner” weighs heavily on them as they share stories of wanting to prove their identity as Americans while still holding and cherishing some of the values, customs, and languages that make them unique as Asians.

In addition, the poetry collection also touches on general issues related to mental health, addictions, and Asian-American Christianity.

Adopted: Beyond the Glamour of Asian Adoptions

Sam — Wed, 24 Dec 2014 22:22:08 +0000

Asian girls are the fastest growing segment of international adoptions here in the United States. But beyond the benevolence and generosity underlying many Caucasian adoptions of Asian children, the complexities of race, identity, community, and emotional scars of abandonment are rarely addressed.

But now you have the opportunity to see Asian adoption and its psychological impact in a documentary produced by Barb Lee (herself a Korean adoptee). In this film, Lee grapples with the identity crisis many international adoptees face when thrust into mainstream American White culture.

In one heart-wrenching scene, the Korean-American adoptee tries to get her Caucasian father to see the loss she experienced in the family’s avoidance of talking about race and her ethnic differences growing up. Instead, the father remains defensive and rationalizes those decisions as wanting to help his adopted daughter to feel as “American” as those around her. But the woman shares how this lack of communication led her to feelings of isolation, despair, identity issues, and substance abuse to cope.

The documentary also follows the path of another family who recently adopted a baby girl from China and is learning early on the intricacies of race, adoption, and cultural assimilation.

The film was riveting as I was struck by the candidness of the Asian-American adoptee’s experience of feeling like an outsider in her adopted family and in the Korean-American culture. In one poignant scene, she traces her biological father’s lineage to the Civil War only to learn that an organization “Sons and daughters of Union Veterans”, which is to preserve the history and legacy of the heroes who fought for the Union is eligible only to biological descendants. The grief and loss of not feeling like she’s completely part of her white adopted family is juxtaposed with similar feelings of cultural dissonance when she asks her father (for the first time) to eat at a Korean BBQ Restaurant only to be overwhelmed by not feeling Korean enough.

For anyone who is interested in understanding the hardships of transracial adoptions, this movie will offer a compelling storyline that goes beyond traditional, heart-warming tales of international adoptions by White Americans.

Adopted the Movie

Emotional Desert

Sam — Sat, 13 Dec 2014 00:27:53 +0000

No hugs, no praises,

an emotional desert,

thirsting for feelings.