It’s her Fault: “She won’t do it Anymore”
When sex addicts first come in and complain that their sexual issues are due to their partner’s inability to sexually intimate with them like they have in the past, I don’t tell them they’re wrong in their thinking.
Part of this is because of the need to build initial trust and rapport with them.
Instead, I’ll listen and get a sense of how justified or entitled they feel in their acting out behaviors.
For example, one client has been acting out sexually with pornography and webcams complains he wouldn’t do this if his wife would simply “go back to her old ways”. But eventually when I met with the spouse, I got a different story. I’m told she’s feeling pressured to be sexual beyond her comfort zone. Oftentimes they confide they agreed to the sexual acts (i.e. role-plays, getting tied up, sexting, etc.) early in the relationship out of fear they would lose the relationship if they didn’t do as requested by the men.
But by the time the women share their new boundary the anger and frustration has set in and she may have stopped the requested behaviors or pulled back sexually and emotionally altogether.
The guys on the other hand, may question if they are the problem (i.e. feelings of inadequacy ) or build up resentment and feel entitled to the sexual pleasures of the past. In either event, what I have to help them process not only the loss of the sexual past but also to help them see they are responsible for their acting out behaviors and to stop “blame-shifting” this to the spouses.
The cognitive distortions of justification and entitlement are hard to break and often the client realizes his faulty thinking when confronted by other men who harbored similar feelings. Whether in a 12 Step group or group therapy, the context for change within a group environment helps speed up this process of healing when the group allows for the distortions to surface and can not only confront but also identify with the client’s way of thinking.
