Tummy Tuck Trauma: Sex Addiction Collateral Damage
Many partners of sex addicts suffer initially from what I call, “tummy tuck trauma”. It is the distorted belief that they are not physically appealing enough for their addicted husbands and boyfriends.
Oftentimes there is already an underlying trauma or insecurity issue regarding body-image and self-esteem which is exacerbated by the discovery the spouse’s sex addiction. The common refrain is, “I’m not good enough” and so a number of women either change the way they look through tummy-tucks, plastic surgery, or other surgical procedures as a means to feel more desirable for their addicted husbands.
But even if no physical changes have occurred, there is the trauma of trying to either act like the fantasy the men are looking at by engaging in sexual behaviors they may find degrading, humiliating, or just uncomfortable (physically and emotionally).
The spouse’s deep fear of being flawed is what is at the root of these behaviors as is the belief that if they changed and either appeared more attractive or acted like a porn star, then their man’s sexual acting out will stop.
Unfortunately, women in recovery oftentimes do not understand the nature of sexual addiction and do not realize this is the furthest from the truth. The man’s addiction pre-dated the relationship and existed for years if not decades before they met. Sobriety and recovery doesn’t lie with the woman, instead it’s with the husband. He has to realize how his behaviors have contributed to the devastating toll it has on his spouse’s sense of self.
If anything, a lot of the treatment in the early stages of recovery is to recommend couples go through a celibacy period just so the spouse understands at the core she can not prevent her husband from acting by changing her appearance or sexual behaviors.
In the later stages of recovery, the women understand this but if they don’t get help of their own then the consequences can be significant as women have been known to pay thousands of dollars for surgery, cosmetics, clothing, perfume, diet and weight loss products, all as a means to combat the distorted belief that they are not lovable or attractive.
