“small” trauma & addiction

May 10th, 2014Addictions, Asian Shame1 comment

When I assess clients for trauma, many are surprised when I state that there was trauma in their home despite having parents who provided food on the table and a roof over their heads compared to the “big” trauma they’re accustomed to hearing about (i.e. war, sexual abuse, physical abuse, etc.)

When parents (cultural or otherwise) neglect their children’s emotions and are disconnected to the point where there is limited validation, praise, emotional attunement, loving eye contact or physical touch (i.e. hugging and holding), their children become much more susceptible to addictions, social isolation, lack of self-assertiveness and confidence, eating disorders, and the like.  They may see it as “benign” neglect but it has severe repercussions.

In these examples, the child’s emotional needs are grossly unmet beginning at a preverbal stage of development and lasting through their childhood.  As they enter adulthood, they struggle with issues of boundaries (i.e. saying “no”, expressing their needs/wants, high need for compliance, and emotional regulation).  When life becomes stressful or when they are in relationships, they may flee to addictive or compulsive behaviors to ward off these negative feelings as a way of continuing their past of “taking care of themselves” in times of duress.

Individuals who grew up with a healthy secure base with their parents learn to lean on relationships (with spouses, friends, colleagues, etc.) to ease their stress whereas those who grew up in neglected environments (think latchkey kids) more readily escape through compulsive and oftentimes addictive behaviors.

The addiction is used to thwart off negative feelings insecurity, anger, disappointment, or any number of feelings deemed unacceptable.  Yet, the cycle of shame then takes its insidious hold as the mind and soul battle to make sense of the destruction they’re causing to themselves and others.

Ironically, the path towards healing is a cognitive shift, a recognition that their old relational patterns and understanding of emotional health were out of whack and needs to be reshaped.  That is the goal of therapy; an opportunity to provide a safe context where the individual can be seen, validated, understood without shame, judgement, or blame.  But more than that, it’s also the chance to grieve the loss of the past and provide a place to form new ways of accepting hard emotions and deal with them without fear of being viewed as weak, defective, or flawed.  It is the means to heal the person by way of  restoring the soul to its rightful place.