Sex Addiction Disclosure: A “Process” vs. a One-Time Event
Addict: “I am afraid to tell anything.”
Spouse: “I want to know everything.”
Because disclosure brings shame to the addict and pain to spouse and risks the end of the relationship, addicts initially tend to avoid complete disclosure. In contrast, partners often demand complete disclosure which is a way for them to make sense of the past, validate their suspicions and their experiences, and to garner a sense of control of the situation.
Unfortunately, the belief that knowing “everything” will provide control is an illusion, and the partner who has all the details in her head may ruminate and obsess over them and cause herself endless pain. Disclosure of various details can leave partners with unpleasant memories and associations which are difficult to ignore, serving as triggers for intrusive thoughts and negative feelings. If the partner does not begin a personal recovery program this information can become the source of pathological obsessing that can result in the partner getting retraumatized.
Partners later come to recognize that knowledge is not necessarily power, that no matter how much information they have they are still unable to control the addict. Instead, they develop healthy guidelines for themselves about what information they want (typically, general information such as their risk of STDs and the addict’s commitment to recovery and the relationship) and what they do not want (details of sexual activities, locations, and numbers).
The therapist can encourage the partner to consider carefully what information she (the violated party) wants rather than asking for “everything.” One helpful therapy technique is to have the client write down every question to which she wants an answer, then give the list to the therapist for safekeeping for an agreed-upon time period, say two months. At the end of that time the therapist and partner review the list and decide which questions to ask. Frequently, after such a cooling-off period, the partner is no longer interested in painful details.
The therapist can also monitor the intent of the disclosure: moving towards greater intimacy is a positive intent; to obtain ammunition to punish, control, or manipulate the addict is a poor intent.
PARTIAL OR SEQUENTIAL DISCLOSURE
It is tempting for the addict to attempt damage control by initially disclosing only some of the sexual acting out. A recurrent theme among partners was the damage of staggered disclosure by the addict. When the addict claimed at the time to reveal all the relevant facts but actually withheld the most difficult information for later disclosure, partners reported great difficulty in restoring trust. One recipient described it as, “His revelations continued to dribble out over weeks as I continued to ask for information. Each new piece of information felt like a scab being ripped off.” Another example is of a man who disclosed to his wife only some of his activities. She later said, “I felt immense pain and anger. Part of that was not having been told. I felt lied to and I didn’t trust any of the relationship.”
Despite the potential adverse consequences of disclosure, most respondents in our surveys recommended disclosure. We advise that the initial disclosure include the broad outlines of all the behaviors, while not spelling out the “gory details.”
Recipients of disclosure need to be informed by the therapist, however, that disclosure is always a process, and not a one-time event. The reason for staggered disclosure is not always that the addict is deliberately holding back some damaging facts to protect himself or avoid unpleasant consequences. Other reasons for not having immediately disclosed “everything” includes:
- The addict has acted out in so many different ways or with so many different people or has told so many lies that he genuinely does not recall some of them until a later time.
- The addict was in such an altered state at the time of the some of the episodes of acting out – for example, he may have been drinking or using drugs – that he simply does not remember particular events.
- The addict, although remembering all the details of his acting, does not initially consider particular events or actions significant enough to bother disclosing. With increased recovery, the addict realizes the need for disclosing additional history.
- Disclosure of certain actions may be so damaging to the partner or to family relations (for example, an affair with the wife’s sister), or may entail significant risk of violence to the addict (for example, a female addict married to a man who has a history of physically abusing her), that a therapist recommends not disclosing these facts initially, until the partner has received counseling and preparation.
- Certain episodes of acting out occurred only after the initial disclosure. That is, they represented slips or relapses of the addiction. (This is the most problematic situation, in that it is likely to cause the most damage to the process of rebuilding trust.)
- The addict may be so frightened that what he has disclosed may truly be all they were capable of at the time.
A Formal Disclosure
A formal or healing disclosure is appropriate when some disclosure has occurred but the partner continues to voice concern that she does not believe the addict has been honest –- that she believes he is still withholding information — and she remains stuck in her fear and anger. The couple seems stuck in gridlock and neither can move beyond this stage. The therapist should encourage the couple to have a formal disclosure session – with the goal that this session symbolically stands for beginning the rebuilding process for the couple. It is useful to set aside two hours for this process. This process is most useful after the addict and partner have had some experience with a 12-step recovery process so each has support and some understanding of healthy styles of responding during highly emotional times.
Disclosure in Session
What we as sex addiction therapists recommend is ideally the following:
- Disclosure between the addict and spouse with both individual therapists there for support.
- Having both parties drive separately to the disclosure session.
- After disclosure, 24 hours no contact between the addict and partner. Both are to agree to spend this time separately (i.e. a hotel or a friend’s house) to process the disclosure.
- The addict can also be administered a polygraph at this time to ensure what he revealed in the disclosure has been truthful.
- A follow-up visit the day after to address some of the painful feelings that have come up.
- Agreement of a sexual celibacy period for both parties (60-90 days) to enhance emotional intimacy.
This disclosure is considered the strictest and not all couples follow these guidelines but it’s what we recommend if possible.
