“You’re Selfish!”: The Building Block of Shame
In my therapy practice, I’ve noticed that the word “selfish” is routinely used by parents (Asian or otherwise) as a way of manipulating or guilt-tripping their children to act or behave in certain way.
In my therapy practice, I’ve noticed that the word “selfish” is routinely used by parents (Asian or otherwise) as a way of manipulating or guilt-tripping their children to act or behave in a certain way. This is the essence of shame.
So let’s break it down. When a parent says, “You’re selfish” the parent is communicating something to this effect: “You (the child) want something I don’t want, and you don’t seem to care that I don’t want it. You care more about what you want than you do about what I want, and that means you’re bad. The word for this particular kind of badness is ‘selfish.'”
But unfortunately, this type of labeling leads to what I believe is a core negative self image or feeling of “I’m bad person” or “There’s something wrong with me for having these thoughts or desires”. The shaming done over a childhood leads adults with a very distorted sense of who they are as individuals.
They often can’t accept compliments, can’t trust their own decision-making skills, and when they do try they are continually met with more shame and comments about how they are not being a “good son or daughter”.
In more extreme scenarios, clients can experience symptoms ranging from anxiety attacks to depression and thoughts of suicide. Many of them view themselves as “selfish” but when I hear they’re stories what’s actually happening is over-compliance, agreeableness, and lack of boundaries to assert their own needs and wants in relationships. In other words, they may have a sign on their forehead that reads, “Run over me” or “I’ll do anything for you for fear of disappointing you”. This is very unhealthy and toxic and healing comes from a process of recognizing their own boundaries merit respect and recognition from others.
I guess I would have to ask, in what context you are stating: “You’re selfish” the parent is communicating something to this effect: “You (the child) want something I don’t want, and you don’t seem to care that I don’t want it. You care more about what you want than you do about what I want, and that means you’re bad. The word for this particular kind of badness is ‘selfish.’”
As a parent, and one you know. I tell one of our boys often that he is selfish, and why? It’s not for him wanting anything I don’t want, it’s for his sever lack of consideration for others.. so, while I can agree with you, that if this “you’re selfish” post is based over a material item or something the kid wants to do that the parent does not, I can agree with your statement; just because a child wants something and the parent does not, does not make the child “selfish”, we all have wants and to be considered selfish for wanting them, that’s ridiculous.
But to dig even deeper, if a child wants something and the parent says no, because they cannot afford to give that child something and the child acts out because they are not getting their way, I have to say that again, that too is an act of selfishness. However, it is up to the parents to raise their children to accept disappointment as a fact of life from a young age.
This was in response to going against a parent’s wishes which included:
-marrying/dating a white man vs. someone within the Asian culture
-not wanting to take over the family’s business of 3 generations
-for moving “too far” from parents (i.e. moving out of Washington State)
-for not calling/seeing parents enough
-for studying English Literature vs. Business
The list goes on and on but you get the drift.