The Asian Addictive Mindset: “If you knew me, you’d leave me”
Asian cultures are rooted in shame since our lives, families, and mindset revolve around some aspect of shame. Our identities are forged by upholding our honor while trying to avoid any shame-producing feelings, thoughts, or beliefs. Few have the courage to break the cultural shame that binds them. Instead, they suffer in silence.
Combine this cultural shame with the shame of addiction and you get a double dose of emotional suffocation. Whether the addiction is an eating disorder, online gaming, gambling, drugs or alcohol abuse, problematic sexual behaviors, gambling, or compulsive spending, addicts become shackled by shame, hiding and afraid to reveal themselves to the world. They are fearful that if someone truly knew them, they would be rejected or abandoned. They don’t believe they could be loved or accepted as is. They may strive to prove to themselves to the world by trying to excel at school, sports, career, yet still feel they aren’t “good enough” or measure enough to the standards set by themselves, family, or church. They may never let anyone see their weaknesses, fears, or insecurities.
In psychological circles we call this a “false self” because the reality and vitality of life is cut off from the person who refuses to acknowledge any feelings or thoughts that are deemed unacceptable to his/her culture. The false self is a defense and construct needed to protect the ego for countless millions of people who strive to earn their way to approval and acceptance in humanity. Unless it is confronted and torn down, the individual will stay locked in an emotional prison that will stifle his soul from the freedom that craves to be released from bondage.
Part of my work as a therapist now is to help clients tap into their neglected emotional world. In therapy, the neglected “muscles” being worked are the emotions that a person learned in childhood that were deemed unacceptable and shameful: rage, grief, helplessness, envy, grief, sadness, fear, and sexuality. Given enough time, a child in this environment will learn to associate certain feelings with shame. This deep-seated feeling of shame is pernicious for it will attempt to choke the child into feeling bad, defective, and unlovable when these feelings are aroused later in adulthood. To keep these feelings under control, shame-bound individuals are likely to turn to addictive behaviors as addictions temporarily ward off unpleasant feelings by altering one’s mood.
But hope is possible as many of those in recovery and therapy can attest. Stories abound where people broke their silence and faced their shame head on. Asking for help is the first step towards that. It doesn’t have to be in therapy, it can mean breaking the silence with a friend, colleague, or pastor-any move towards revealing more of who you are will be a step towards authentic living.
