It was a dark and stormy night…
It was a dark and stormy night, albeit I was living in sunny Los Angeles at the time. I will never forget that day nearly 11 years ago when my head went into a tailspin and my heart was pounding through my chest. I was short of breath, paralyzed, and thought my world ended.
At the time, I was living the dream as a tv news reporter in the largest media news market on the west coast. I was also in a relationship I thought would last forever. It didn’t when she decided to end it. I was humbled, shamed, and didn’t think I could face my Asian community for I had disgraced my family and my culture’s honor.
To help in the transition, my pastor suggested therapy. At the time, I thought counseling was only for the weak and incompetent. Yet my pain surpassed the negativity I had about seeking professional help so I relented and walked into my first encounter with a therapist. I must admit that first month was hard. I wanted to quit after every session. I didn’t want to face my fear, sadness, or insecurities. I didn’t want to “go deeper” and explore my family or cultural dynamics lest I’d be seen as someone blaming others for my crisis and not taking responsibility. However, after more than a year in both individual and group psychotherapy, I discovered parts of myself that were never acknowledged, nurtured, or praised. Instead of viewing myself as an Asian failure, I was able to embrace my life in less black-and-white terminology and view myself as a part of God’s plan of brokenness and redemption.
I like to view this as an aspect of “messy spirituality” as it deviates from the traditional, Asian-American Christian goal of perfection. Messy because it’s raw, real, and relational. Up until this point, I only knew conditional: conditional love, conditional friends, and conditional relationships. With this new encounter with the Almighty, I sensed an intrinsic change in how I saw myself and others. No longer would I pretend to be someone I was not. No longer would I hide my thoughts or feelings out of fear or cultural baggage. I could no longer live the life of a traditional Asian guy hell-bent on pleasing my family, friends, or colleagues. People-pleasing didn’t work because it drove my authentic self underground. And with the help of my therapist and fellow group members, I grew to the point of finding my core. A core that was lost in the midst of trying to please my Chinese culture. While I love my culture I also knew it was a double-edged sword here in America.
A culture that prides itself on harmony, collectivism, and denial of self for the sake of others had cost me dearly. I had learned a hard lesson in life-embrace your culture but don’t let it swallow your individuality or personhood. It’s this lesson that drives what I do today as a therapist focusing on multi-cultural issues.
