Why Asians Gamble: A Cultural Conundrum
Go into any casino and you’ll see a disproportionate number of Asians gambling. Is this due to coincidence, culture, or something deeper? In the field of addiction, it makes sense why so many Asians gamble. They (we) are in pain.
How is this possible? Seemingly “happy” Asian people with smiles on their faces is far from what many envision as pain. But let’s look deeper.
Historically, Asian societies are rooted in a “culture of silence”. We as a nation, family, and individual are discouraged from authentic expression of emotions. Children are taught to be obedient and few grow up with parents who can guide their emotional lives. Instead they suffer in silence, living in an emotional wasteland devoid of any real human connection.
“The nail that sticks up gets hammered down!”
There’s an old Japanese proverb that goes something like this: “The nail that sticks up gets hammered down!” For Asian children, the desire for individuation and autonomy is often met with resistance in traditional households. Parents in this system typically do not encourage children to think on their own, as it would cause too much distress for the parents. It is easier for parents to assert their control over children and ignore children’s needs, wants, and feelings.
When parents do so, the children lose an authentic connection and never learn a valuable life lesson in how human relationships can help relieve anxiety. Instead, these children become prime candidates for addiction later in life, looking for non-relational ways to assuage their emotional distress.
Gambling is a cultural pastime accepted within Asian cultures as a hobby or fun hobby. Yet, for many Asians gambling is a veil that masks deep underlying emotional and spiritual wounds.
“Gambling allowed me to be with people without really being with them,” said one compulsive gambler, whose acting out became uncontrollable after her husband died. The trance salved her grief and sorrow. It filled up her emptiness. She felt no pain as long as she was in the casino. Addiction and the trance offered her a solution, and she used it as long as her savings and insurance monies held out. Then she was forced to confront the reality of her losses, and the blow was even more devastating. Not only had she lost her husband but also the money they had put aside to support her. Addiction takes and takes, and then takes some more. -Excerpt taken from: The Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior by Craig Nakken, LCSW
Over the years, I’ve heard stories of numerous Asian friends and acquaintances who’ve struggled with gambling with limited understanding of the connection between gambling and their thirst for emotional intimacy (i.e. a desire to be known by others). $30,000 dollar debts are not uncommon. Divorces, separations, job losses, and fragmented families and children have resulted from this deep void in one’s heart.
I know this to be true not just from others but also from the ravages of my own family history of gambling.
[cleeng_content id=”330229475″ price=”29.95″ description=”Learn more about how gambling destroyed my family.”]My earliest recollection of gambling was when my grandmother would take me to the horse races in Seattle. Longacres was the place for her. She could go and spend hours there with me watching her root for her pick of horses. Once in a while she would ask me to pick a horse on a race. I don’t remember it ever winning and thought this was a stupid waste of money.
But I realized it was more than the chance of winning that gripped the hearts of family members entrenched in it. While it may have been a hobby for my grandmother it was an addiction for my grandfather. Everyday, he would take the bus by himself from Beacon Hill to Longacres. As a child, I had no idea what he was running from. But as I grew older and stories were shared, it became evident my grandfather was more than an unhappy man. He came from a family of abandonment. Abandoned in his own childhood and destined to repeat it with his family; abandoning his need for emotional connection to his wife (my grandma) and his seven children (my father and aunt/uncles).
My grandparents have since passed away but the gambling legacy lives on. It’s destroyed one of my uncle’s marriages and threatens another. But it’s more than a wrecked marriage, gambling broke more than the relational bonds between the afflicted partner and spouse, it broke any semblance of security for their children. They are now more susceptible to fall into addiction as a means to soothe their own pain. One cousin had a close relationship with his father only to see it evaporate during the formative years of his adolescence while his father gambled to Mah-Jong. The endless nights and weekends devoted to it gave away to years robbing the boy of his need for his dad.
In my own family, my parents currently rotate between Snoqualmie, Muckleshoot, and Tulalip Casinos approximately three times a week. I honestly remain in denial as they tell me they go “just for the buffet” and free vouchers. Gambling has long been part of their history as well but fortunately it never led to a divorce.
However the legacy has been passed down another generation as my two brothers and I struggle mightily with connection and intimacy. We do not know how to be open and vulnerable with each other and when I try it just leads to more heartache and withdrawal. The only exception is an occasional FB message or family get-together over dim-sum with nice pleasantries exchanged between each other.
This issue is too large for me to tackle by myself. I need help. I need your help to share your own struggle so we can provide, if not this generation, the next generation with the emotional tools to live healthier lives free from addictions.
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