Sexual Codependents: Spouses of Sex Addicts
Partners and spouses of sex addicts are indignant when I share with them their need for therapy. They are often outraged claiming, “it’s his problem” or “Why should I get therapy for his acting out behaviors”?
But the truth of the matter is when a sex addict is hiding and has yet to acknowledge his addiction and take ownership of the problems it’s caused in his relationship, chances are this has created a relational dynamic with the spouse that perpetuates itself based on the fear of abandonment, mistrust, isolation, and limited emotional intimacy.
Effective sex addiction treatment must address the couple. This can include couples therapy (later in recovery) but oftentimes it means helping both sides individually see their role in the addictive and codependent cycle.
While must research and time has been developed to help the addict understand his cycle, it hasn’t been until recently that the need is now shifting to help the spouse recognize conclusive evidence of certain dysfunctional relationship patterns related to spouses of addicts. This includes codependency where the spouse is overly committed to taking care of her partner or husband at the expense of neglecting her own needs.
The spouse’s self esteem comes from her success as a people-pleaser. Her main goal in life is to try to figure out what her partner wants, and then give it to him. To do so, she may become extremely sensitive to the mood of her partner so she constantly worries about what he thinks about her and tries extremely hard not to make a mistake.
For example, the partner of a sex addict may sense something is out of step with their husband’s behavior. For some women, they may ignore the signs or cues that something is out of character. This is called “enabling” where the person’s behavior protects and/or rescues their partner from the consequences of addictive behavior. In essence this person becomes numb to the addiction and often later reports that they violated their own integrity in the context of their partner’s addiction.
Sexually, the spouse can become what I call a “sexual codependent” where she believes she has a certain level of control in his recovery process. How can you tell if you’re sexually codependent?
Ask Yourself these questions:
- Have you ever tried to control somebody else’s sexual thoughts or behavior by doing things like throwing away pornography, dressing suggestively, or being sexual with them in order to keep them from being sexual with others?
- Do you want to be sexual out of fear he will go elsewhere if you are not?
- Do you think you will be able to control his behavior if you are sexual with him?
- Do you believe having sex reaffirms he still loves you?
- Have you engaged in sexual behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable or ashamed, or is physically dangerous, fearing that if you don’t he will leave you?
- Do you believe that if you changed, your partner would stop acting out sexually?
- Do you lack intimacy or feeling close during sexual encounters you’re your partner?
- Do you change your appearance or sexual behaviors to accommodate your partner’s wishes?
- Do you check your partner’s e-mail accounts, computer files, disks, and the like for evidence of sexual material?
If you answered yes to any of the above, then there’s a strong likelihood you are in a sexually codependent relationship with the addict. Some real life examples to capture what sexual codependency looks like includes:
- acting or dressing like a porn star for your husband, thinking this is what he wants.
- Taking away his laptop and keeping it with you when he’s home alone to prevent him from acting out.
- Having sex with him daily to prevent him from acting out.
- Masturbating him when he returns from work in the evenings as a means to prevent him from looking at porn.
As you can tell, there is work to be done to help the spouse break out of her codependent lifestyle so she can recognize what healthy emotional and sexual intimacy is about. She learns to draw boundaries and can respectfully say, “no” without any fear or guilt. If you find yourself struggling in this area, remember you are not alone. But staying in isolation will only prolong the agony. You must take the first step and break out of the cycle by tearing down the wall of shame, perfectionism, and damage control and seek help.
