“Dating-ish?” Where Everything & Nothing is a Date
The dating world is shifting in an unprecedented way as today’s relationships are more ambiguous than ever before. In the past you could neatly categorize yourself or other singles as either being in a relationship or not.
In today’s dating world, when you ask single people what their relationship status is, oftentimes answers include, “it’s complicated”, “we hooked up and see each other”, “I hang out with him”, “she texts me all the time”, or “we’ve been emailing for months”. I like to categorize all of this murkiness under the term, “dating-ish”, where everything and nothing feels like a date. It’s the point past platonic relationships (even if it’s in your head) yet short of a mutually-exclusive relationship.
Our current generation abhors rules, labels, and structure and cringe when they feel their freedom of choice is being taken away. I believe this is part of the reason for the growing number of nebulous relationships we’re seeing. Part of this obviously coincides with the explosion of social networking sites where everybody is a potential friend (Facebook), networking or business associate (Linkedin), or follower (Twitter).
It’s easy to see how this line of logic can intersect with the dating sphere, where anyone who sparks even a twinge of romantic interest can be a potential partner. But it’s more than about having extra partners around. I believe society as a whole has become commitment-phobic.
With soaring divorce rates, many singles want to make sure they’re getting into a stable relationship so are extra careful before entering into a committed relationship. In one sense this is prudent to not jump into a relationship sooner until you’re ready, but on the other hand this may also be due to narcissistic tendencies where an individual just wants to entertain as many suitors as possible for fear of getting hurt so it’s safer to not make commitments.
Growing up, we were taught when you say, “yes” to one thing (be it a relationship, invitation, career choice, hobby, etc.) you essentially are saying “no” to someone or something else. But in this new technological era, greatly influenced by the Millennial Generation (those born in the 1980’s and thereafter), we are all being conned into thinking we can “have it all”. Thus the mistaken belief in dating is that you can have everything by keeping all your options open for as long as possible. In reality, a typical example of how this shows up is when a guy shares how he’s going through a tough “break-up” with a girl and when I ask how long they were in the relationship, I find out it was never really “official”. Do you see how problematic this is, especially when you’ve invested your entire heart, mind, and soul into a relationship? The other party could say to my friend, not take it personally since they weren’t technically “in a relationship” but the damage has been done.
I once blogged about what’s known as the “d-t-r”, where a time comes in a relationship where you must “define the relationship”. Unfortunately, the “d-t-r” is now viewed as a quaint and outdated process in the dating scene. Still, I think “d-t-r” and having clarity around your relationships is better than stringing people along without informing the other party of your intentions just so you can feed your own ego or cultivate what’s known as a “gaggle of men or women”. What’s replacing the directness and openness that results from the “d-t-r” is a feeling of confusion and resentment that now leaves many singles scratching their heads and wondering, “wtf?!”
