Masturbation or “Master”bation: The Sex Addict’s Quandary

July 5th, 2012Addictions, Asian Christianity1 comment

“Lust is the ape that gibbers in our loins.  Tame him as we will by day, he rages all the wilder in our dreams by night.  Just when we think we’re safe from him, he raises up his ugly head and smirks, and there’s no river in the world flows cold and strong enough to strike him down.  Almighty God, why dost thou deck men out with such a loathsome toy?” -Frederick Buechner, American writer and theologian

In sex addiction circles, clients eventually come face-to-face with the question of how their sex addiction is tied to masturbation.  In some cases, it’s more definitive for the addict to stay away from masturbation altogether as he (women are also included for sexual addiction but for brevity, I’m choosing to keep the gender consistently male in my writing) knows it’s not healthy and leads back into the addictive cycle and mindset.

 There are men where the masturbation frequency is so compulsive it leads to physical symptoms of bleeding, cuts, or other injuries.  The masturbation can occur up to ten or fifteen times throughout the day as a means to relieve stress or ward off uncomfortable feelings of anxiety, depression, hurt, or emotional pain and so it’s obvious to them and everyone else around that this is too compulsive.

But in the majority of cases, it’s not as clear-cut if the addict should end the masturbation.  Oftentimes, a sex addict will start off with a problem such as going to strip clubs or having sex via one-night stands or prostitutes with no previous masturbation issues.  During his “sobriety” period as he tries to avoid physical sex with others, the sexual energy is then transferred to other outlets such as masturbation with or without the use of pornography.

During this phase, he could be “sober” from sex with others but find himself increasing his masturbation from a few times a week to daily masturbation or multiple, daily masturbation episodes.

At this point, it’s critical to challenge the addict to look at his masturbation and question if it hasn’t turned into “master”bation where it literally controls him.

It’s confusing because in sex addiction recovery circles, the permissibility of masturbation is not consistent.  In twelve step groups like SA Groups (Sexaholics Anonymous), it’s unequivocally stated that masturbation is off-limits and if you masturbate, it’s considered a breach of your sobriety.

In SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) on the other hand, masturbation can range from a healthy move to a behavior that needs to be monitored, or also an action that must be banned depending on the circumstances and motivations behind it.

In my own work with addicts, I don’t have a no-masturbation policy because it’s too restricting and doesn’t allow me the freedom to delve into the motivations behind it.  If a guy is masturbating, is it done in an effort to bond with his spouse (i.e. he’s away on business and finds this a method of connecting with her)?  Is it done as an isolating behavior to avoid his wife?  Is he fantasizing about others (clearly unhealthy for my clients)?  Is it being done for non-sexual reasons (i.e. boredom, fear, anger, loneliness, sadness, etc.)  All of this information is useful clinically so in the recovery phase, I make a point to ask and monitor his masturbation.

In the end, some chose to stop this behavior knowing their experience has shown them time and time again, it’s too addictive.  Others realize for themselves, it can be a healthy way of bonding with their partners.

So that’s the clinical perspective, what about from a Christian perspective?  Should Christians masturbate?

[cleeng_content id=”944180525″ price=”14.99″ description=”Learn more to see if masturbation is compatible with Christianity.” referral=”0.5″]Pastors generally agree there is no reference Biblically to say outright that masturbation is a sin.  Still, some firmly state it’s a sin to lust so masturbation consequently is a sin as it’s another form of lusting.

 Matthew 5:28

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (NIV)

 For myself as a Christian therapist, I’d like to see masturbation as an action that needs to be repented of (ok, I’ll call it a sin) if it’s done in the context that doesn’t honor the person’s spouse.  I use the word honor because there are times clients may either masturbate or have sex with their spouse while still “acting out”.  Times like these include anger or aggression.  You may have heard the term, “angry sex” and it’s a disservice to an addict’s sobriety to say he’s free from his addiction if he’s fantasizing about demeaning or hurting his spouse while masturbating.  There are also times an addict may have sex with his wife but is doing so out of anger.  In these two instances, it’s clear to me this is not God’s intention for healthy sexuality.

So what is God’s intention for masturbation?  I believe masturbation should be done within the framework of a relationship.  This means either with the partner there or when she’s absent; in either case it’s done when the intent to draw closer to each other.  Masturbation to fantasy of other people or past experiences (known as “euphoric recall”) is simply not God’s example of love for humanity.  I’d call it “sin” but the word sometimes is so shaming for Christian addicts in early recovery that I may choose instead to describe it as “unhealthy”.

I recognize there are Christians who are adamantly opposed to my own beliefs and that’s o.k.  I know this is a very personal issue for Christians so these are only my beliefs from my clinical work and my own path towards healthy sexuality.

A verse I’ve found helpful for Christian addicts struggling with masturbation is in 1 Corinthians where it comes back down to one of control and mastery.  We already know lusting is sinful so I’m calling that off-limits.  But when it comes to masturbation that doesn’t include lustful thoughts that should reviewed through the lens of Scripture.  This is where the addict needs to truly ask himself if masturbation has turned “master”bation where his behavior is now Lord of his life.

1 Corinthians 6:12

“Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything. (NIV)

So if you’re a Christian struggling with masturbation, don’t lose hope.  Help is available and I believe God wants to set you free from the slavery of sexual addiction and compulsivity.[/cleeng_content]