Is Your Asian Family Shame-Based?
The antecedents of shame start with the family. While no family deliberately sets out to create a fertile, breeding ground for shame, it exists because of generational patterns. Patterns and rules of communication are passed down from one generation to the next. These rules govern stability in the family and any attempt to change these rules will be attacked and crushed.
In many Asian households, the individual is sacrificed for the sake of harmony and cooperation of the group (i.e. the family). This unhealthy relational dynamic manifests itself in 2 major rules: no talking and no feeling.
1) No talking rule
Talking is limited to superficial matters (i.e. events, facts, weather, grades, sports, etc.). Anything pertaining to thoughts, concerns, desires, feelings and needs are suppressed so that harmony can exist in the family.
2) No feeling rule
Family members are not allowed to express anger, sadness, fear, disappointment or other “negative” emotions. Ironically, this is seen as a way to help children cope. Parents believe by not talking about “negative” feelings they are doing a service to their children.
Unfortunately, when emotions are buried, it’s like a volcano slowly building up pressure until it one day erupts, causing catastrophic damage.
Asian parents do great psychological harm to their children when children are not allowed to express themselves. But even allowing for expression is not enough. The emotions must be encouraged, nurtured, and worked through in the form of allowing the child to talk and having the parent ask and give appropriate feedback.
Think about a child who cries out in panic because he fears his mom doesn’t want him. If the terror-striken child is allowed to cry but his fears of abandonment are not assuaged, the child learns subconsciously that his mother/father doesn’t care about him and that he must fend for himself in this world.
If a boy comes home sad and distraught because he’s been teased, bullied, or beat up at school and his parents do not ask him about his day or notice his sense of dejection, this will only add to the boy’s internal feeling that he’s “unwanted” or “worthless”.
Whether parents directly tell children not to cry or be sad or indirectly do so through neglect, the message is the same. Children internalize that emotions are “bad” and by having them they are “bad”.
In addition to feelings/emotions, shame can also be linked to needs and desires. Basic human needs such as the need for human touch, the need for relationship, the need for personal interaction with our loved ones, and the need for affirmation can be thwarted in childhood. When Asian parents do not display signs of affection (i.e. no hugging, no pats on back), do not give positive verbal affirmation, and do not talk to their children individually (i.e. getting to know their hearts, their desires, their likes/dislikes), these children will seek solace elsewhere. Whether it’s in a romantic relationship, drugs/alcohol, obsession with gambling, spending, sex, or food, their drive to meet these core needs of intimacy will be insatiable. It’s an emotional black hole they won’t be able to fill, leaving many empty, alone, afraid, and hopeless.
[cleeng_content id=”937027904″ price=”14.99″ description=”Learn more about my own troubled, shame-based childhood.” referral=”0.5″]For myself, my family was one devoid of relationship. It was excruciating to be at home with parents whom I could not connect with so I figured I’d be better off playing basketball. What I truly wanted was family; a family I could connect with emotionally.
As a boy, the first media image that left an indelible image in my heart was a Mormon television commercial broadcast in the 80’s. The commercial gripped me as a ten-year-old boy. Thirty years later, I can still shed tears just visualizing it. The commercial showed an idyllic outdoor scene of a father and son playing catch with a baseball. Why was that scene so powerful? If taken at face value, it really was nothing more than an activity between father and son. But at its deepest level, I believe that image speaks to every boy’s yearning to be known, cherished, loved, and connected to his father. I longed for those moments but knew that wasn’t possible in a family system where emotional isolation was the unwritten rule of life.
This sense of living life separate from my family continued in middle and high school. Consequently, I jumped at any and every opportunity to escape home. I got a paper route and delivered newspapers every day. I rode the bus with my friends on the weekends. I joined an Asian-American basketball league. I was part of a Chinese-American church. I played endless hours of video games at the local mini-mart. I went anywhere where I could get away from my family. When I saw other friends hanging out with their brothers or sisters, I could only wonder why. I wanted nothing to do with them or my parents. I wanted a life separate from those closest to me and saw it as the path towards independence.
Now, I realize these feelings were due to having parents who never grew up “feeling” loved and passed down the only love they knew: providing for us by putting food on the table and a roof over our heads. It’s still sad to think about my childhood but I’ve been blessed to be part of God’s bigger family and in a way recreate a new childhood for myself in adulthood so praise God for that.[/cleeng_content]
