Asian Father Wounds

July 20th, 2012Asian Christianity, Asian Shame1 comment

As a man, it hurts to not know your father.  I grew up with an Asian dad who was emotionally distant.  He worked long hours in the kitchen of a Chinese restaurant to support us and when he was home, he had no time to invest in us.  He could not speak English and I couldn’t speak Chinese well enough to communicate with him.  In addition to the language barrier, there was also a cultural divide.  He was raised in Hong Kong and I was getting exposed to all things Western such as hip-hop, basketball, Church’s Fried Chicken and the Christian church to name a few.

Other than his job as a chef, his taste for cheap beer (Pabst Blue Ribbon), or his time spent watching Chinese soap operas, I have no idea who he is or where his heart is.  But the hurt cuts deeper, knowing he has no idea who I am.  My cares, worries, desires, and longings in life could not be shared with him.  It’s a great psychic loss few Asian men in general like to acknowledge for fear of appearing weak.  But if we are to grow emotionally and spiritually, we must be authentic to our hurts.

So how do we do this?  For myself, part of this was just giving myself permission to be angry and grieve this loss.  In most Asian circles, this would be considered an act of cultural betrayal and seen as “bashing your parents”.  But fortunately, therapeutic circles allow us space to feel the depth of the pain and touch the sadness without any fear of reprisal.

Through this process, I’ve come to a point of acceptance.  It wasn’t easy, as there was a desire to “change” them at one point.  I thought if my parents would agree to family therapy, then they could understand my loss and we would all start connecting on an emotional level.  But the adage “ignorance is bliss” fits my father’s situation.  Better to live in ignorance than to face the disappointment of not only my loss but the abandonment he received from his own father.

Father wounds are real and especially prevalent in the world of therapy.  Stories of not only emotional neglect but that of humiliation, verbal, or sexual abuse are commonplace.  Phrases such as, “You’ll never amount to anything.”, “Why are you so stupid?”, and “You’re a disgrace!” cut deeper than most people will acknowledge.  Self-esteem is shattered as a person’s sense of safety, love, and affirmation is destroyed in the process.

In its place, many boys and girls cut off a piece of themselves from others.  They learn not to trust.  Trust that has been compromised to this degree then takes significant time to rebuild later in life.  Whether it’s trust in a classmate, spouse, or God, this core issue must continually be confronted and challenged so clients know there is a safe person  or community where they can allow others into their internal worlds.

In the addiction field, it’s imperative for this to happen if the client is to improve.  The salve to the soul’s wounds must come from an individual’s courage to be vulnerable, even to the point of risking rejection to another human being.  We were hurt in our relationships and thus can only be healed in our relationships.  I believe the therapeutic relationship is where God’s grace, mercy, and unconditional love can intersect with a person’s deepest pain, thereby providing the context for future change.