Sexual Addiction: What Women Need to Know (Part I)
When a spouse of a sex addict comes into couples therapy, she often wonders if their relationship can ever regain a sense of trust, honesty, and authenticity destroyed by her partner’s betrayal through sex addiction.
In my work as a sex addiction specialist, the answer is a resounding “yes!” but the best recovery involves both partners. You may be indignant at the thought of getting therapy if your husband or boyfriend is the one struggling with his addiction. “It’s his problem!”, you insist. And I would agree it is his problem. The problem likely preceded you but the dynamic between you and the addict is unlikely to change until he can feel “safe”. This is best done either in couples therapy or group therapy as the addict struggles with emotional intimacy.
Some of the first aspects of sex addiction recovery that I try to stress to the spouse of the addict is the need for patience. For many months after some sort of discovery of his secret life the spouse is beset with fears of the partner “acting out” when triggered by certain names, places, headlines, movies, magazines, and websites such as Craigslist or Facebook. This list doesn’t even include more sexual material like pornographic sites, chat-lines, webcams, sexting and the like.
The goal in couples work is to work through these feelings of loss, disillusionment, and pain so trust can be rebuilt into the relationship. This may feel very discouraging at first but statistics show if couples can commit to the process of recovery for at least one year, then chances are more likely for a successful outcome where true emotional and physical intimacy can emerge.
Sex addiction is ultimately an intimacy disorder. The addict has learned over time to develop unhealthy patterns in relationships marked by living a double-life for fear of being known. The work in counseling is to help the addict learn to bond, trust, and get his relational and emotional needs met in healthy ways as opposed to relying on his past compulsive sexual behaviors.
Some things to keep in mind about the addict is that he oftentimes has a distorted belief about himself which include:
Core Beliefs of Addict*:
- “I’m a bad, defective, unworthy person.” The addict is shame-bound and sees himself as deserving of punishment and retribution with no understanding of healthy guilt (i.e. separation of behavior from his personhood).
- “If you knew me, you’d leave me.” or “No one will love me as I am.” (Deep fears of abandonment which leads to a life of secrecy)
- “My needs won’t be met if I have to depend on others” or “I can’t trust anyone to meet my needs” (i.e. emotional needs of affirmation, validation, care, relational trust and security)
- “Sex is my greatest need” (distorted belief that sexual release is a “need” or necessity for life like air, water, and food as opposed to a “want”)
By challenging these distorted beliefs in therapy and through relationships with other group members and/or the spouse, the addict can learn to share his inner world. This includes relational skills like being vulnerable, asking for help, setting boundaries, and even risking possible rejection in the spirit of finding courage and strength to be more transparent to his true self.
Unfortunately, recovery is a process and it’s never a clean, direct, linear path upwards. In fact, there will be moments of missteps and even relapses. But growth is helping the addict learn from his mistakes and recognize his patterns that lead to his need to trust sex as a means of comfort.
In the next blog, I will share what women need to know about disclosure, otherwise known as the process where addict reveals his sexually addictive or compulsive behaviors to his partner.
*Adapted from the work of Patrick Carnes, PhD.
