Sex Addiction: “Powerlessness” or “Pathetic Excuse”
In the addiction world, addicts are often asked in 12 Step Recovery Circles and other therapies to acknowledge their “powerlessness” over their addictions, be it sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.
But critics have long countered that using this term of powerlessness is just excusing an addict’s behavior. When it comes to sexual addictions or compulsive sexual behaviors, this term can be very polarizing for a wife who has been hurt from years of betrayal from her “addicted” spouse (for simplicity in writing, we refer to the sex addict as male although women are also sex addicts). She is oftentimes further disgusted and pained to hear her partner wipe his hands clean and absolve himself of his responsibility by sharing that he’s learned he’s a sex addict and can now point to that as grounds of his behaviors. So where’s the truth?
As a therapist specializing in sexual addictions and sex offender treatment, I can tell you when clients honestly come to grips with their denial, rationalizations, and excuses, the “First Step” of healing can begin. Whether in Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, or Sex Addicts Anonymous, an addict hasn’t truly understood the nature of his disease until he writes and shares his First Step in the 12 Step Meeting. The First Step is a way to break through the years of defensiveness and denial where the addict has hidden his behaviors. A good First Step is when the addict, shares the depth of his powerlessness and unmanageability over his behaviors.
But to answer the question of whether this is truly powerlessness or just a pathetic excuse can best be understood by seeing this act of acknowledgement as the first sign of actually taking responsibility for his actions. It may sound paradoxical, but admitting to another human being that you need help and can’t stay sober by yourself is really a humbling experience for the addict. He has tried many times for years to help himself out of his situation only to end up in the same place (or worse). A good First Step means the addict is finally reaching out for the guidance and help of others despite his natural tendency to shirk at that idea. It means he is willing to seek accountability and trust someone else with his life. In this way, the acknowledgement of powerlessness is a poignant and courageous “step” in the path towards sobriety.
Additionally, when one finally realizes he can’t control his addiction by himself, this can also provide an opportunity for a transcendent, spiritual experience with God. In this moment, the addict lets go of his need for control and turns his life over to God and his fellow man.
