Comments on: Sex Addiction Disclosure: What Women Need to Know (Part II)

By: Sam

Sam — Thu, 15 Feb 2018 04:23:19 +0000

I’m sorry to hear this Daisy as that is NOT the kind of disclosure recommended. If anything, the disclosure should include more information than what he’s shared. There are some areas where details on contraindicated (specific websites, ethnicity of sexual partners, physical attributes, etc.) but at the very least what happened should be detailed (oral sex, vaginal sex, online pics, texting, etc.). Oh, we recommend disclosure happen within 3-6 months.

By: Sam

Sam — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 23:59:39 +0000

Sorry to hear this, I’d recommend going with a therapist who is open to polygraph tests.

By: Daisy

Daisy — Fri, 09 Jun 2017 20:50:07 +0000

I just went through a therapeutic formal disclosure with my partner last week after the process has been put on hold for EIGHT YEARS. Other CSAT therapists prior to the one he is seeing now said that I should just forgive him for his constant acting out and move on. Since then he has relapsed at least 6 times, and each time I was blamed, each came with bouts of ‘entitled unavailability’, even when I went through cancer diagnosis and treatment. But over the past 2 years I have noticed that my partner has really been committing himself to recovery, so I thought I would get some closure here. Quite the opposite. Most of the information you recommended in this article was omitted or minimized in this recent formal disclosure. The time frames he included spanned across decades, and no specific dates or locations were given. We have been together over a decade, and his disclosure was about 5 sentences long after preparing for the meeting for a year. For example, he disclosed that from “2003 to 2014, I engaged in various online sexual activities.” He told me later that he also engaged in certain online acts at his workplace. But he didn’t need to disclose that in the formal disclosure because that would be telling me the location, even though the whole act was putting his job at risk. He did not disclose that he got a girl pregnant before I met him and alluded to ending the relationship with her after an abortion, but answered it in the list of questions that I had at the end of the meeting, not in the disclosure. I realized that even years later he was still having active contact with that woman, but included it in a different time frame of “secret communication with several ex-girlfriends”. The therapists didn’t want me to ask for her name but when you are talking about a pregnancy that is different. He lied in the meeting and said he forgot her name. He also discounted the fact that he received various naked pictures from an old ex-girlfriend for 10 years after we were together, saying that he received them but his emails to her were not sexual or flirtatious in nature, but that they were mere innocent complements. After prodding, he admitted that she was complimenting on her appearance when she sent him the photos. A secret business trip that I uncovered was not mentioned, and all the gaslighting he did during all this was not mentioned at all. I am wondering the boundaries that are allowed to have are so huge that they are protecting the addicts and enabling them to get away with anything. Of course there was much lying, abuse to our children, and even some physical violence. None of this was mentioned. The therapists agreed to reconvene at ‘another date’ to talk about his sexual life prior to our relationship. When I asked his therapist how long I have to wait for the truth, he responded “One day at a time.” i later talked to my partner and he said that his therapist recommended that he keep it very vague with little detail but it did not tell me much. I am very distraught and feel conspired against, and feel like wherever I turn he is handed a ‘get out jail for free” card. Anything I can do to get the real information and healing that I deserve to make sense of it all and get some transparency?

By: jill

jill — Fri, 05 Aug 2016 02:36:51 +0000

HELLO – I never thought I would blog about this issue but my life has been so dramatically affected by this disgusting, POWERFUL enemy! for most women, we have egos and enjoy the accolades of being called beautiful, smart, fun loving, witty, etc….. and those comments continue with your spouse, as long as you continue to perform inside the bedroom – with whomever the selected “partner” of the day is……. what is truly unbelievable is that the revelation of “the PROBLEM” was likely the biggest step I took toward my own recovery…. and identifying the PROBLEM – is not always that easy…..it took me over 8 months to cognitively figure out what the PROBLEM was….. first I thought it was security, but he signed over his life insurance, then I thought it was menopause, so I had an ablasion surgery (OMG), then I thought it was just his anger, then his drinking…..and finally: all balled up into one addiction to HALT all others (not totally true as they have found many sex addicts are also alcoholics (those are the ones that are “concerning” to the general public) if things ‘more’ get out of control – which in and of itself seems impossible based on the constant anxiety the spouse has about ‘not being good enough, where and when are you being replaced, etc.” – wow. and the process of “letting go” gets super hard for strong powerful women – like watching your best friend slide off a shale cliff and your hands can do nothing to save him (that’s the codependent in me speaking)…… so, aside from there being very very little on the net about the how, why, where, when, and WTF…… I am now about 3 months into recovery – did not know I had this many tears in me to shed, and so easily…. and for the select few friends that I actually confided in (as its such a damaging disease)…. they all tell me I should be getting way better by now….and I am improving, but still ‘act out’ with my anger…. I really move so quickly between anger and sorrow – its unmanageable……but NOT AS BAD as I felt in the relationship…… so, after I finally figured out the problem – that’s right, I figured it out….because the love of my life is in complete denial!!! we were swingers so he thought everything was going along OK – but that couldn’t possibly be true – as his ANGER outbursts, lack of patience, etc. kept me on eggshells for months/years on end…. and when I attempt to broach the subject of addiction or jumping off the swingset…….. the fury was unleashed. Its awful staying and its awful recovering….. for the spouse of the sex addict, recovery does take ALOT of time, and effort…..so, its really easy to see why the addict remains where they are – ITS MUCH EASIER EMOTIONALLY….in the short run – but don’t fool yourself, the long run is the real test on that one….. there is no possible way a sex addict can remain completely oblivious to their circumstances for an infinity amount of time….the bottom will come – perhaps just not at the same time that yours arrives….and stays just like a very unwanted house guest……… for a very long time…………(to a point where instead of wanting to be normal again, progress hovering just off the bottom is like a big favourite flavoured milkshake and that is just OK). Progress not perfection. For some of us, we share responsibility as participants in sexual activity that we are not proud of – and we wear that badge….. but life is colorful. so live in color. but stay true to yourself (S-Anon has been a life saver for me). its the 12 steps for sex addicts spouses. without it, well, lets just say I am glad there are outlets for this type of MONSTER stuff……cause you are powerless over this filthy addiction that somehow crept into your life, likely at first as a novelty (as it did in mine), then as something that pleased your spouse, then as time wore on, as a chore…. then a loathsome act of filth – as the disease progresses…..and then you look into the mirror and reflect that it was you that did those things – oh my. and oh well, that was then and this is now…. I am feeling better with each day…write things out. its so damn hard to find material on the net about addicted swingers…..

By: Amber

Amber — Mon, 14 Sep 2015 22:28:12 +0000

Please stop referring to partners as coaddicts. It’s repulsive and demeaning. Not every partner is a coaddict