Sex Addiction Disclosure: What Women Need to Know (Part II)

June 18th, 2012Addictions, Counseling & Coaching6 comments

            When spouses enter therapy with the addict, many times they feel they know what indiscretions have occurred due to either finding out about their husband’s acting out behaviors or the husband having come clean with it.  But unbeknownst to the spouse (and oftentimes the addict) are behaviors that remain hidden either out of fear of disclosure or because the addict truly can not remember them.

            In my work, I often have to remind the spouse that disclosure is a process and not a one-time event.  I also have to brace her with the reality that in most cases, what she knows is still limited due to memory issues and acting out behaviors that obscures the addict’s ability to recall specific sexual behaviors and events.  What is needed is abstinence from his compulsive sexual behaviors so his mind can begin to remember not only past sexual events but also emotional triggers that drive him to escape into his sexual addiction.

Usually, if an addict can stay “sober” for up to 90 days, and the spouse can wait and endure this process, it allows for a more complete and honest process of disclosure later on.  But there are times when a spouse demands to know everything up front that this circumvents the process and oftentimes leads to more hurt as she later learns about more behaviors not previously shared.

This is one of the main points I reiterate to spouses of addicts that they must allow for up to 6 months before we (Certified Sex Addiction Therapists) can move to what’s known as the “disclosure letter”.  In this letter, the addict would’ve had enough time to write down everything he can remember that pertains to his acting out sexual behaviors within this current relationship.

Details of what should be shared in a good, disclosure letter is listed below and written by fellow CSAT therapist Jerry Goodman.

 GUIDELINES FOR WRITING A DISCLOSURE TO RELATIONSHIP PARTNERS:*

1. Start with the text of the First Step if available. Only do disclosure after completing the First Step. Reason: the First Step is a presentation to the addict’s peer group for the purpose of receiving empathy and support, whereas the disclosure is presented to the offended party for the purpose of the partner being validated and informed. Thus, disclosure is an evolving process: starting with an admission to oneself, then perhaps to a therapist, then a sponsor, then one’s peer group, and then to the primary offended party.

2. Only include acting out behavior that has occurred since addict and coaddict have been in relationship (including serious dating period). Reason: if both the behavior that has violated the relationship partner and acting out behavior prior to the relationship are presented, the partner may be distracted away from feelings about behavior that had a direct affect, by focusing on behaviors that did not. Sharing the addict’s pre relationship acting out history can be a separate process at a different time.

3. Change any use of the conditional tense to the past tense. Example: NOT I would leave work in the afternoons to go to topless bars. BUT I left work in the afternoons to go to topless bars. Saying,“I would do” such-and-such can be a means of distancing oneself slightly and is less direct than saying, “I did” it.

4. Include time frames by making some reference to when each acting out incident happened or by identifying a period of time during which the same kind of activity was repeated, and by telling how often it occurred. Example: In June of 2000, while on a business trip to San Francisco, I went to a back room behind a bar and had inter- course with a prostitute. OR Between early 1998 and late 2001, when I went on regular business trips to New York and Philadelphia, I watched pay-per-view pornographic movies on the TV in my hotel room almost every night and masturbated once to three times each night. I estimate I watched pay-per-view programs a total of 65 times, or 150 hours and masturbated an estimated total of 220 times.

5. References to the partner are in the second person. NOT Many times I manipulated my wife to have sex with me. BUT Many times I manipulated you to have sex with me.

6. Use clinical or anatomically correct terms and avoid slang or sexual jargon. Example: oral sex, not blowjob, pornography rather than porn, prostitute instead of massage therapist or model or “lady,” topless bar in place of strip club or gentleman’s club, breasts rather than the slang terms often used, and “I was masturbated,” rather than “I got a hand job.” Slang terms can trivialize the act or objectify women and can be an attempt to dignify the addict’s behavior, and serves to further insult the relationship partner.7. Use “I” statements and focus on the addict’s actions and behaviors rather than those of the acting out partner. (This puts the responsibility on the addict rather than on the acting out partner.) Example: NOT I picked up a prostitute and went to a motel and she gave me oral sex. BUT I picked up a prostitute, took her to a motel and received oral sex from her. NOT The woman I was seeing called me and invited me to get together, so we met and had dinner at a restaurant. Afterward she invited me to her apartment and we had sex. BUT I received a call from the woman I was having an affair with and I agreed to meet and had dinner with her at a restaurant. Afterward I went to her apartment and had intercourse with her.

8. Regarding use of names of acting out partners— a name is used only if the partner knows the person (such as a friend or family member of the partner, a neighbor, or someone the addict has a work relationship with). If, however, the acting out partner is not known to the relationship partner and they have never met, then the person is referred to by the person’s gender. Example: During a sales conference in 1997 I talked a lot with a woman I met in a workshop. I ate several meals with her and one night I invited her to my room and had intercourse with her.

9. Including the addict’s thoughts and feelings or narrative-like details to describe what happened, or explanations of the addict’s behavior are omitted. The facts are stated simply and directly, with only enough detail for the relationship partner to follow the sequence of events and to convey what happened honestly and completely. And if, while acting out, the addict was accompanied by someone else who also acted out, only the actions of the person disclosing are mentioned. Example: NOT I went to a topless bar with my buddy, Fred. He talked me into it. After we got there I was nervous because I had never been to a place like that before. I had intended just to watch but one or two of the dancers sat down and struck up a conversation with us and we bought them several drinks. Fred and one of the dancers left and the girl sitting next to me told me there was a special room where we could do things we couldn’t do in the bar. I felt guilty because I didn’t want to violate my marriage, but I thought I would just check it out and see what went on there. When we got there she began to feel me up. I got excited and because I was a little tipsy, I let her give me a hand job. She asked if I’d like to have sex, but by now I was really scared and so I said no. I couldn’t find Fred, so I left. BUT I agreed with a male friend [name given if known to relationship partner] to go to a topless bar. While there I watched the topless dancers, talked to some of the prostitutes and bought them several drinks. I also had about four drinks. I accepted one prostitute’s offer to go to a room where men receive sexual services and I was masturbated by her there. As illustrated here, any drinking or drug use in connection with the acting out is included and quantified (but not used as a justification for the acting out).

10. Add details of what happened if the reference is vague, incomplete or unclear. Sufficient detail is used so the relationship partner doesn’t have to wonder what hap- pened, without becoming so specific that it is lurid or unnecessarily hurtful. Example:

NOT I called up an escort service and they sent someone over and we had sex. BUT I called an escort service and had a prostitute sent to my hotel room. I received oral sex and had intercourse with her.

11. If the acting out involved spending money, that needs to be included, along with the amount. Example: I called an escort service and had a prostitute sent to my hotel room. I received oral sex and had intercourse with her. I spent a total of $350. At the end of the disclosure or at the end of a section about a certain behavior, an estimate is given of the total number of times the addict engaged in the behavior and the total amount that was spent. Example: For a period of about 7 years, between 1987 and 1994, I estimate that I had 120 sexual massages and spent a total of approximately $30,000. It is also important to include any additional information pertinent to the amounts that were spent on the addiction. Example: While I was secretly paying for sexual massages, I was aware that there often wasn’t enough money to pay all our bills. And once I remember we didn’t have the money to send our son to camp. But the addict does not include how he felt about it then or how sorry he is now or other things that soften the impact of the disclosure.

12. If the acting out involved lying to the relationship partner or taking advantage of opportunities provided by the partner’s routine or in other ways indirectly involved the partner in some way, that needs to be included. Example: Many times I lied to you that I was working late when I really was going to sexual bookstores before I came home. [Then would follow details of what was done at the bookstores.] OR Often I went to topless bars when you were out of town. Once I dropped you off at the airport for you to fly to a conference and another time I took you to the airport to visit your mom, and both times I drove straight from the airport to a topless bar. [Then what happen-ed at the topless bar.]

13. It is important to remember sexual betrayal behaviors that did not involve a physical sex act per se, like sexual fantasy, looking sexually at people in public places, and frequent sexual humor in conversations. Example: Practically any time I was out in public I looked sexually at females I found attractive. This included times when I was with you, such as shopping together, eating together at a restaurant or going to a movie together. At restaurants I sometimes talked with you while looking repeatedly over your shoulder at a woman at another table.

14. After covering all the sexual acting out incidents and behaviors, thought needs to be given to non sexual behaviors that were destructive or abusive to the relationship, the partner and the family. These may include physical violence, emotional and verbal abuse, hiding spending on non sexual purchases, abusive child discipline, constant berating of the partner’s family or friends, etc. This part does not have to be as detailed as the sexual portion is, but if these additional issues have been present, they need to be addressed as part of the addictive process. And if there are any tie-ins to the sexual acting out, those need to be mentioned as well. Example: Besides my sexual acting out, I have been abusive physically and verbally to you and the children. I have often yelled at you and on at least three occasions I shoved you and once threw some

dishes and broke them in your presence. I have often yelled at the children and said shaming things to them. Once I hit our son with a belt after having said I didn’t believe in physical discipline. I know now that many of these times I was projecting my guilt onto you and the children, and often the guilt and shame was because I had acted out sexually.

* Composed by Jerry Goodman, LCSW, CSAT