When love is not enough
Dear Sam:
My ex-wife and mother to my three boys left me about a year ago. At first she took the kids and refused to let me see them. Then I took her to court and got full custody of the children. After that she decided to marry someone she had just met.
Now she is divorcing.
When she realized her divorce was inevitable, she called me and asked to come home and I declined.
I want to give her another chance at being a good mother and a good partner. I am not happy dating, and I want someone in my life. When we first met, our life was great together. She says she loves me, but I have heard these words before. She used to hurt us financially and most of our arguments were about money. She also admitted that she cheated on me twice before she left. She says she is different now.
All of my friends and family are against this, but I love her, and my life is not the same without her. Any advice would be appreciated.
— Single Dad who loves his ex
Dear Single Dad,
First off, “Slow down, Cowboy!” You have a lot going on and I think it’s prudent to sit on this for a while before making any decisions. In therapy circles, we often say no major moves (i.e. relational, geographic, or vocational) when faced with a crisis or extremely stressful situation. In fact, we recommend the status quo for up to a year if possible just so you can make a level-headed decision and to learn to grow from the anxiety.
I can easily nitpick your ex for being impulsive and getting married to someone she just met and then divorcing him shortly thereafter. But why go there? She also cheated on you twice and you still want her back in your life so no need to go there either.
What I do want to help you understand is this notion of “love”. It appears you love her and she loves you, otherwise it would be easy to just say, “sayonara”.
But you may not realize that love is not enough. This may go against clichés you’ve heard such as, “Love Conquers All”, or “All You Need is Love” but the Beatles are wrong, you need more than love, much more.
I once read a book titled, The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly that had a profound message about love and relationships. In the book he mentions couples that thrive in their relationships must have more than common interests; they must have a common purpose:
“Common interests are not enough to build a great relationship on. You may enjoy hiking together or traveling together, biking together or listening to live music together. You may share a love of movies, museums, art, animals, or any number of interests that can draw people together. But it is a mistake to think that these provide a solid foundation for a long-term relationship. In fact, common interests can very often turn out to be a false foundation, creating the illusion of a deeper relationship than was actually present”. (From The Seven Levels of Intimacy)
In your case, you appear to have a financial purpose and plan for getting there. Your ex has a different purpose when it comes to money. You described her behavior as, “hurt us financially”. Those are strong words. It should be obvious that you two have different value systems when it comes to money and hence the never-ending arguments on that topic.
You defend your position by saying you “love” her. But is love enough? I don’t think so. I’ve seen enough examples in my counseling practice and even in my own life to know that love is not enough.
In the end you, don’t follow my advice. Instead, listen to Shakespeake.
“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
-William Shakespeare
The quote basically means be true to who you are. Your true self lies in your morals, convictions, values, and principles as it relates to your philosophy on life. If you stick to that, you will find someone who will not only honor that part of you, but also help you build upon it.
Wow, Sam…you were so smack-dab “on” with your response to “single dad who loves his ex”! I also believe that many people who believe they’re “in love” or either really “in lust” or they’re dealing with some sort of codependence that “feels” like love. One of the biggest “lies” of the past couple of generations is the notion to “follow your heart”. But our hearts are fickle & are often influenced by false or fleeting emotions. IMO – “following your brain” in combination with following your morals, your values & your God, is much better advice. Also, many people forget that love is an active verb much more than a feeling! Thanks so all you do in providing such wisdom to those in need. You are an awesome counselor!
Good advice Sam! It’s not hard to see how this poor guy was being pulled in by the notion of what he called love. It is easy to romanticize the feelings of attachment to someone we meet under erotic circumstances. Nothing wrong with that, but it doesn’t always mean we are a match for them or them for us. If she loved him, she would not have left him, nor would she have cheated before she left. She is obviously way too selfish and immature to understand the concept of relationship. He, on the other hand, is hooked on her like a heroin addict is hooked the drug. He can’t seem to let go in spite of the fact that she has demonstrated extremely harmful traits that almost sound like the tendencies of someone with a personality disorder. Having said that, I doubt very much that she has the capabilities of becoming a different person as she claims. Truly loving someone means you care about them more than in the context of romance or an erotic relationship. It means sometimes that you have to make some very tough choices, such as cutting that person free, especially when you know it is not in your power to change them. Letting them go allows you to grow and them to realize that there is more to life than just being attached to someone who sleeps with you. Love goes beyond the bedroom!